


Scarlet Thoughts Staining a Pale head

by interactivegaylord



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, John Egbert/Dave Strider Moirallegiance, M/M, Minor John Egbert/Dave Strider
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-11
Updated: 2019-04-17
Packaged: 2019-10-08 00:40:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 10,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17376227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/interactivegaylord/pseuds/interactivegaylord
Summary: Dave had several realizations while he was on the meteor, about himself, his childhood, and his feelings towards his best friends. He is able to talk about them, but only with specific people. this is his journey of opening up, and getting the happiness he deserves.[Mostly Pesterlogs][Possible NSFW in the future]TW: depression, child abuse,





	1. Before Battle

**Author's Note:**

> I can't make the names and acronyms colored so yeah. Sorry about that. I tried but its not working

\--turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 16:38--

TG: so

TG: i know you probably wont answer

TG: but ive got to get some stuff off my chest

TG: seeing as this might be...

TG: my last chance to tell you

TG: thats a scary thought...

TG: um

TG: i was talking with dirk

TG: and i know that ive been a bit distant recently

TG: im sorry karkat

TG: i just needed to figure some shit out

TG: and when i did

TG: i needed to adjust

TG: cause it was kind of world shattering shit

TG: and i thought that when i met dirk it would be different

TG: but it wasnt

TG: and i feel alot worse saying it all out loud

TG: and especially because hes just a 16 year old mess, like me, and not the sociopath i lived with for my first 13 years

TG: everything about my bro was terrible

TG: and he was a really bad guy

TG: i thought it would be easier to handle once i said it

TG: cause like

TG: people would always say that talking about stuff is better than holding it in

TG: and letting it fester and eat away at you from the inside out

TG: but honestly

TG: i would rather have it all inside

TG: because saying out loud made it sound realistic

TG: and made it real

TG: before, i was denying it

TG: and yes

TG: it was a lie

TG: but it was comforting

TG: it made me happy

TG: thinking that all of this was a normal part of childhood

TG: and

TG: i guess i always knew it wasnt

TG: but god damn

TG: ignorance really is bliss

TG: now

TG: in stuck with this realization of how absolutely shitty he was

TG: and since hes dead,

TG: i cant confront him about shit

TG: and theres dirk, who looks like him

TG: and is self destructive enough to let me go off on him

TG: he was nearly silent for several minutes, just letting me rip into him

TG: god i feel so shitty

TG: im sorry

TG: this is probably very similar

TG: but i guess

TG: since we are kind of moirails now

TG: i think that youre the right person to talk to about this

TG: arent you?

TG: fuck, i dont know

TG: anyways i didnt come here to just complain

TG: another thing that dirk and i talked about is coming out

TG: i know you know jack shit about that

TG: but basically

TG: i like guys

TG: thats not exactly important to you because, by definition, your species is inherently genderneutral and pansexual

TG: but it means something for humans

TG: and there are people who dont agree with that ot will commit crimes against people like me

TG: i think i always knew

TG:but i was scared that my bro would have another reason to beat the shit out of me

TG: and im not anymore

TG: im not ready to tell anyone else

TG: but

TG: i wanted to tell you

TG: because 

TG: well

TG: these last few years helped me realize

TG: im not pale for you karkat

TG: what the fuck am i saying

TG: im not pale or flushed or ashen for you

TG: i

TG: what im trying to say is

TG: you helped me realize 

TG: i love being your best bro

TG: and i think

TG: in the future,

TG: i might want to be more than that

TG: hell

TG: i do want that

TG: but

TG: not yet

TG: i gotta get my shit together first

TG: for you

TG: because you deserve a man who can focus entirely on you

TG: i dont expect it

TG: but

TG: i hope that youll be patient with me

TG: cause i know how you look at me

TG: i know that youre into me

TG: and it makes me happy to know that

TG: you make me happy karks

TG: well this has been a roller coaster

TG: i should go

TG: apparently jack is almost here

TG: and

TG: if something goes wrong

TG: you mean so much to me karkat

TG: and

TG: ill see you after all this is done

TG: come back to us

TG: to me

TG: come back to me safe karkat

TG: okay?

\--turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 16:45--


	2. Earth C

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat finally gets the chance to read Dave's messages and gets worried.
> 
> [First bit of actual writing]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place right after they get finished with the ectobiology and time travel to modern times

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 9:24--  
CG: FUCK  
CG: OKAY  
CG: HEAR ME OUT  
TG: okay  
CG: YOURE NOT WRONG ABOUT ME BEING INTO YOU.  
CG: BUT  
CG: THE FIRST PART OF THAT FREAKED ME OUT  
CG: ARE YOU OKAY?  
TG: whats my frame of reference  
CG: WHAT?  
TG: okay is relative  
TG: if youre asking if im on john's level of okay?  
TG: hell no  
TG: i dont think ive evere been egbert-level okay  
TG: but like, it goes the other way too.  
CG: JUST ANSWER THE GOD DAMN QUESTION STRIDER.  
TG: no  
CG: OKAY  
CG: WHAT CAN I DO?  
TG: thats it?  
CG: YES  
TG: youre not going to ask me about it?  
CG: NO  
CG: OBVIOUSLY IT UPSETS YOU AND YOURE HESITANT TO TALK ABOUT IT  
CG: SO I WONT PRESSURE YOU INTO DOING SO  
CG: BUT IM STILL YOUR MOIRAIL AND I WANT TO MAKE SURE YOURE OKAY. SO WHEN YOURE NOT ITS MY JOB TO HELP  
TG: dont burden yourself karkat  
CG: ITS NOT BURDENING MYSELF  
CG: ITS MY CHOICE TO BE IN THIS RELATIONSHIP  
CG: I CHOSE YOU, AND I SAY ITS MY JOB BUT ITS ALSO MY PRIVILEGE TO TAKE CARE OF YOU  
CG: YOURE MY MOIRAIL.  
CG: THATS ALL THE REASON I NEED TO BE THERE FOR YOU  
CG: AND YOURE ALWAYS THERE FOR ME WHEN I NEED IT  
CG: I WANT TO BE THERE FOR YOU.  
CG: AND ON THE RARE OCCASION YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE SHARING THAT YOURE IN DISTRESS  
CG: I WILL BE THERE WITHIN SECONDS.  
CG: SO, WHAT DO YOU NEED?  
TG:...  
TG: ice cream  
TG: and a movie  
CG: OF COURSE DAVE  
CG: ILL BE OVER SOON.  
TG: bring your blanket  
TG: you know  
TG: the really cozy one.  
CG: YOU GOT IT.  
\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 9:29--

Dave put his phone down and waited. He was sitting on his couch. Its a sunny day, one that most people would think is perfect for being outside. But after growing up in Texas, when it is always sunny and uncomfortably hot, he prefers rainy and overcast days. 

He wouldn't have messaged Karkat over this. He feels like this all the time now. He is stuck in a state of discontentment, and that wont really change. At least, it hasn't yet. Sure, he has days that are better than others, but he still wakes up unhappy. He's stuck carrying guilt, regret, and shame on his shoulders. He feels like Atlas. But he wouldn't tell anyone, not because hes ashamed, but because its not their burden to carry.

But then there's Karkat, who happily gets under that globe with Dave. Karkat with a terrible taste in movies that somehow make Dave feel better. Karkat who loves Dave, for some reason that Dave cant understand, but is real. That gives Dave hope. When Dave doesn't like himself, when he cant find anything in him worth loving, he remembers that there's something, because Karkat loves him.

Now that hes thinking about it, Dave begins to feel a little bit better. He starts to smile softly. Karkat loves him. He twiddles his thumbs. Karkat loves HIM. Maybe everything is shitty, and maybe nothing will change, but there's always Karkat.

There's a knock on the door and Dave looks at it. He gets up, goes to the door, and opens it. Karkat stands there looking worried, holding a big blanket and a plastic grocery bag. He steps inside, drops the contents of his hands, and hugs Dave tightly.

"IM SORRY I WAS LATE..." Karkat apologizes. Dave shakes his head.

"You're fine. Thank you for coming." he says. Karkat looks at him and gently cups his cheek. This was something he had never done, so Dave didn't know how to react, but he decided he liked it, and relaxed into Karkat, closing his eyes. 

Karkat is the first to pull away. He goes over to the couch. "Are you ready for ice cream and a movie?" He asks.

Dave nods. "yeah lets go."

Dave sits on the couch next to Karkat. He grabs the ice cream and the spoons in the bag. Dave smiles. "Aww perfect. rocky road." 

He hands a spoon to Karkat and starts eating. "I know. That's why I got it."

They eat and watch How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.

About halfway though, Dave cleans his spoon and frowns. "This movie sucks." 

"Its pretty trashy id have to agree with you." Karkat says.

"I feel like you and I could have a Youtube channel where we mystery science theater this kind of shit." Dave says. 

Karkat laughs. "That and trash Gamzee's juggalo religion."

"Holy shit yes please!" Dave chuckles.

Karkat smiles at him. "i miss hearing your chuckle." 

"What?" Dave asks and blushes slightly.

"You dont really laugh much anymore. I miss it." He looks at Dave.

"Huh. I guess ive just been down lately." 

"Talk to John and Jade. You guys were really close before the meteor, where you couldn't talk to them. Maybe it will help you." Karkat says.

"That's a good idea. Thanks karkat. And maybe I should come out. It might take a load off my shoulders and make me feel better." 

"Well, you should take your time. Its obviously important to you that you keep it secret."

"Mot exactly. Like I said, I was scared that my bro would take it badly. Then I was also scared that my friends wouldn't take it well. But they're my friends, so of course they're going to accept me. I was over reacting."

"Are you sure?" Karkat asks and looks at Dave.

"Yeah. I'll be fine." Dave says. 

"Okay. I wish you the best of luck."

Dave chuckles. "Wow so formal."

"Oh shut up you know you love it." Karkat says and pushes Dave lightly.

Dave chuckles and looks at Karkat, sort of lovingly. "Yeah. Yeah I do."


	3. Coming Out- Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TG: i should say it  
> EB: if youre ready  
> TG: im gay  
> EB: :)

\--turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 11:08--  
TG: hey  
TG: so  
TG: ive gotta come clean about something  
EB: hey dave! :)  
EB: oh okay  
EB: go ahead  
TG: thanks  
TG: so  
TG: while dirk and i were talking  
TG: we did this thing called a lightning round  
TG: to try and get rid of the awkwardness  
EB: yeah i did that with roxy  
EB: did it work?  
TG: kinda yeah  
TG: but we had a rule  
TG: nothing too personal  
EB: as i would expect for two striders  
EB: you guys arent really the type to openly talk about personal stuff  
EB: it can be a bit annoying honestly  
TG: yeah i understand that  
TG: but  
TG: i broke the rule  
TG: you know how dirk is hella gay?  
EB: yeah?  
EB: are you?  
TG: dont get ahead of me here  
TG: i asked him how he told everyone  
TG: cause  
TG: thats like  
TG: a huge fuckin leap of faith  
TG: he said that he just  
TG: told them  
TG: thats so nerve wracking though  
TG: hes stronger than me  
TG: ive come to understand that  
EB: :(  
EB: i think youre underestimating yourself dave  
EB: youre very strong  
EB: and i know what youre trying to say  
EB: if you arent ready to say it thats okay  
EB: but im glad you told me  
EB: even if you didnt outright say it  
TG: …  
TG: i should say it  
EB: if youre ready  
TG: im gay  
EB: :)  
EB: im proud of you dave.  
EB: you took that leap of faith  
TG: i did  
EB: how do you feel?  
TG: actually  
TG: pretty good  
EB: :) :) :)  
TG: yeah  
TG: i feel great  
EB: good!  
EB: is there any particular guy?  
TG: yeah  
TG: and i think there always has been  
EB: what do you mean?  
TG: well  
TG: in the past  
TG: i was really into you  
EB: me?  
TG: yeah  
TG: i didnt know it at the time  
TG: but i was  
EB: so, youre not into me now?  
TG: nah  
EB: is that good?  
TG: yeah i think so  
TG: cause youre straight right?  
EB: yeah  
TG: so i had no chance with you  
TG: and i do have one with this guy  
EB: is it karkat?  
EB: its karkat itsnt it?  
TG: yeah  
EB: is he into you?  
TG: yeah he is  
EB: ;)  
TG: oh for fucks sake shut up john  
EB: sorry!  
EB: does he not know?  
TG: no he does  
TG: after talking to dirk  
TG: karkat was the first person i told  
TG: i know that in the past you were the first person i would have told.  
TG: does it bother you that you werent?  
EB: of course not dave  
EB: you told karkat, your best friend, who is into you, that youre into him  
TG: yeah but there was a bigger question there  
EB: yeah i know  
EB: look dave,  
EB: were not as close as we were  
EB: but were still great friends  
EB: and we can become closer over time  
EB: so thank you for making the first move towards that  
TG: oh  
TG: uh  
TG: sure  
TG: i miss you man  
EB: i miss you too dave  
EB: how has your day been?  
TG: well it started out bad  
TG: but karkat talked to me  
TG: he came over  
TG: brought a shitty movie and some ice crean  
TG: god damn i dont deserve him  
EB: yeah hes a great guy  
TG: what about you?  
EB: jade and i are playing board games  
TG: oh sorry i didnt mean to interrupt  
EB: no no its okay!  
EB: she says hi  
TG: hey jade  
EB: :)  
TG: so what about you?  
TG: got your eyes on a girl?  
EB: theres this really cute girl who works at the coffee shop down the road from my house.  
EB: i got her number yesterday  
EB: weve been talking.  
EB: shes really cute  
TG: hell yeah egbert get it  
EB: stoooooppppp…  
EB: but, i hope i can ask her out soon  
EB: she just texted me  
TG: fuck yeah  
EB: do you mind if i go to talk to her?  
TG: not at all  
TG: have fun ;)  
EB: jerk  
TG: bye john  
EB: bye  
\--ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 11:32--


	4. [i] Coming out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “In love with your new best friend, meaning me?” Karkat asks.
> 
> Dave nods slightly. “Yeah of course I am.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eyyy its an intermission of coming out. there will probably be two of them.
> 
> a vv short boi. more today hopefully.

Dave put his phone down and looked at Karkat, who looked at him worriedly.

“How’d it go?” he asks and takes Dave’s hand.

Dave smiles slightly and looks at Karkats hand. He nods gently. “Good. no, it went great.”

Karkat lets out a breath of relief. “That’s great. See, I told you that you have nothing to worry about. I knew that he wouldn’t care.”

“Yeah. I mean, I know that in the moment that I talked to you about all of this, I was pretty fucking terrified, because he and I weren’t as close as we were before and I thought that this would alienate him more because not only did I have a new best friend but I was also in love with my new best friend and-” Dave stops talking and realizes that Karkat is staring at him with wide eyes.

“In love with your new best friend, meaning me?” Karkat asks.

Dave nods slightly. “Yeah of course I am.”

Karkat tears up and covers his face. Dave gets nervous. “I mean unless that upsets you then forget I said it!”

Karkat hugs Dave tight. “Don’t you dare take that back.”

Dave nods and slowly puts his arms on Karkat’s back. His hands cupped the sides of Karkat’s back, just above his waist, while Karkat’s arms were wrapped tightly around Dave’s neck. This was a form of intimacy that Dave wasn’t familiar with. Not only the fact was it physical intimacy, which he and Karkat only engaged in when one (or both) of them needed support, it was romantically coded physical intimacy, which Dave had never experienced, and he was pretty sure Karkat hadn’t either. Still, he can’t say he disliked it. He very much enjoyed it actually.

While he was lost in his thoughts, Karkat had begun to cry fully, staying silent as he always did (which aggravated the hell out of Dave, specifically because he was bad at understanding social cues and body language.) Dave tightened his arms. “Good or bad crying?”

“Good.” Karkat says and pulls away from Dave. “Good crying.”

He puts his hands on Dave’s cheeks and starts peppering dave’s cheeks with kisses, but not on his lips, specifically to not upset Dave, who chuckles in response. “Karkat, Karkat hang on.”

Karkat pulls back, and Dave removes his shades slowly. Now, this isn’t something that they had done either. Karkat was always curious about Dave’s eye color, but never pushed, so Dave never felt the need to take them off. In all moments where he felt close enough to Karkat to even think about showing him, they were both in need of support, and it wasn’t a good time. But now, this moment was happy and intimate enough for Dave to feel comfortable.

Karkat gasps slightly upon seeing the red irises, and that makes Dave a bit nervous, but not enough to put his shades back on. Hes learning to be open, and intimate, so he’s not backing down yet, especially with Karkat, who means nearly everything to Dave.

“Dave, they’re-” karkat doesn’t finish that thought, he just makes direct eye contact with dave, for maybe the first time in their entire relationship. This entire exchange is a bundle of new things. Dave gets more nervous, because for the past few years, most things he’s experienced haven’t been new. Some Dave out there has already experienced them, and much like Dirk, he is connected to them. He sees what they see, and feels what he feels, but to a lesser degree. That can be pretty dark to experience, but it can be helpful.

But this, this is new. There have been Daves who have accidentally shown their eyes to various Karkats, under different circumstances, and the responses were all different. So, this is different, because no other Daves have been this close to karkat. He is, in most senses, the most lucky Dave.

Karkat realizes that Dave is nervous. “God sorry I didn’t answer I’m just surprised. They’re beautiful.”

Dave smiles widely, and it makes Karkat smile.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you smile that wide. I like it.” Karkat says and lays his head on Dave’s shoulder. Dave leans his head on Karkat’s.

“I’m happy here. Im happy with you, Karkat. Because you make me happy.” Daves smiles contently.


	5. Coming Out- Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TG: i love you  
> GG: i love you too dave  
> TG: in a sibling way  
> GG: i know. Me too.  
> TG: good

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its a long boi

\--turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 13:58--  
TG: hey rose  
TT: hello dave  
TG: so  
TG: i want to tell you about something  
TT: okay  
TT: are we back to psychoanalysis via your dreams?  
TT: if so i would have to ask that we postpone this  
TG: no  
TG: thats not it  
TG: but if youre busy,  
TG: i can talk later.  
TG: no big deal.

That was kind of a lie. This was a big deal. But rose obviously isn’t homophobic so Dave’s not really worried about this conversation. Its not eating at him, like the coming conversation with Jade is, because not only is he going to come out to her, he also has a big apology for her. She’s obviously going to accept it, but he’s not worried about that. He’s nervous about saying it, and that she won’t think the same of him after, and not tell him. She is the type of girl to not speak her mind in the hopes of not upsetting the person she’s talking to, unless she is very angry, which showed when she was dealing with Karkat and his past selves.

TT: are you sure? Whatever you wanted to talk about seemed important to you.  
TG: it kind of is.

That’s an understatement.

TT: i can make time for you right now.  
TG: no its okay  
TG: its important to me  
TG: but it isnt for you  
TG: it will just be  
TG: kinda  
TG: there  
TT: dave youre rambling  
TG: sorry  
TT: if youre sure it can wait  
TG: i am  
TT: then i will talk to you as soon as i have a moment. I promise. I am sorry i am not able to right now  
TT: kanaya and i are very busy with wedding preparations  
TG: tell her i said hi  
TT: i will  
TT: thank you for understanding.

\--tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 14:03--

 

Dave leans back on his bed. That went well. Maybe he should just talk to Jade. This is eventually going to kill him, isn’t it. It’s just going to drive him mad, putting it off, and forcing him into the situation where he will think about it non-stop.

He sighs and grabs his laptop, deciding it would be better to use it so he can type faster.

\--turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 14:05--  
TG: hey jade  
GG: hey dave!  
GG: its good to hear from you!  
GG: i dont think we’ve really talked since we got to earth c  
TG: yeah its been a while  
TG: im sorry  
TG: thats my fault  
GG: what do you mean?  
TG: ive been avoiding you  
GG: you have?  
TG: yeah.  
GG: why?  
TG: because well,  
TG: i have a very awkward and possibly uncomfortable conversation to have with you  
TG: do you have a minute to talk?  
GG: yeah sure!  
GG: whats wrong?  
GG: did something happen?  
TG: kind of, yes  
TG: over a long period of time  
GG: what happened?  
TG: well, i uh  
TG: i fell in love  
GG: …  
GG: dave  
GG: im flattered but im not really into you  
TG: no!  
TG: not you  
TG: but i know that you were with davesprite for a while  
TG: and im sincerely sorry for that hes really an asshole  
GG: haha youre right  
GG: but if not me then who?  
GG: was is terezi?  
GG: i know you two were close  
TG: no that ship sailed.  
TG: she started getting black with gamzee and im not here for that so i just removed myself from that situation  
GG: oh. Im sorry :(  
TG: haha you and john use that face so much with me  
TG: wait i dont know if thats good  
GG: i dont think it is  
TG: we are getting sidetracked here.  
GG: right!  
GG: who do you love?  
TG: well  
TG: uh  
TG: karkat  
GG: :0  
TG: words please  
GG: thats great dave!  
TG: really?  
GG: yes!  
TG: youre not upset?  
GG: of course not!  
GG: whats there to be upset about?  
TG: the fact that you dated a version of me who later said that liking karkat feels right  
TG: and the fact that you dated him because he was like me, at a time when i couldnt be there  
GG: thats a bold assumption  
TG: fuck im sorry  
TG: but it wasnt an assumption.  
TG: i thought as much  
TG: and john confirmed it  
GG: no no im not mad  
GG: i didnt mean to give you that impression  
TG: good im glad  
TG: cause if you dont hate me now, you will soon  
TG: so im glad you dont yet  
TG: cause its likely that youll not want to talk to me now  
GG: dave!  
GG: thats not true!  
TG: sorry  
TG: im just not doing great at this particular moment  
GG: talk to me  
TG: i dont exactly want to talk about it right now  
GG: okay  
TG: ive still got more to say.  
GG: okay.  
GG: go ahead.  
TG: i know i was kind of a dick to you in the past  
TG: and im sorry  
GG: i dont think you were a dick  
TG: well i wasnt exactly respectful of you.  
GG: i dont think youre right  
TG: just listen for a second please  
GG: okay  
TG: so  
TG: this next part is a bit trauma inducing for me  
TG: but it needs to be said  
TG: so  
TG: yeah  
TG: anyways  
TG: this all started with this fucking puppet  
TG: which i now know is basically the house of a fucked up combination of 4 souls, dominated by young lord english  
TG: yeah  
TG: this is gonna get weird  
TG: so  
TG: when i was a kid  
TG: this thing was basically haunting me  
TG: it would whisper things at me  
TG: laugh at me  
TG: it was fucking creepy  
TG: but like  
TG: being an impressionable kid  
TG: i thought it was all kinda normal, what he was saying  
TG: and for some reason  
TG: it didnt like you all that much  
TG: okay i say for some reason like i dont know the reason  
TG: but after talking to dirk i know the reason  
TG: baby lord english was this kid called caliborn  
TG: caliborn had this really fucked up version of masculinity  
TG: he thought that women were less than men  
TG: and that it was the duty of men to protect women  
TG: but he also had no respect for them, whatsoever  
TG: now, my bro had been living with this thing for 30 fucking years  
TG: which, in hindsight, was probably why he was so fucking  
TG: okay not gonna get into that right now because this is about you, not me  
TG: i say that selfishly  
TG: anyways  
TG: this thing influenced him so heavily  
TG: his entire personality was a mix of this fucking cool guy thing that is honestly stupid, despite the fact that i lived like that for 14 fucking years  
TG: he was a mix of that and caliborns ideals  
TG: so  
TG: he didnt really respect women either  
TG: so  
TG: you  
TG: you were a problem for me  
TG: not in a bad way though  
TG: because of his role in my life,  
TG: i learned that from him  
TG: but because we got to know each other so early in life, before he started to push that on me  
TG: i knew that he was wrong  
TG: but i dont think i wanted to defy him  
TG: no flat answer  
TG: i didnt want to defy him  
TG: rose was easy to deflect, because i didnt have particularly strong feelings towards her  
TG: but you and i were so close  
TG: and i had conflicting feelings  
TG: most times, i felt more chivalrous  
TG: i thought that you were a silly cute girl that i wanted to protect, not because you needed it, but because it would make things easier for you  
TG: and you are a silly cute girl  
TG: and i do want to protect you  
TG: but there were darker moments  
TG: like when i would have your dream robot wake you up by slapping you  
TG: god jade im so sorry  
TG: but sometimes,  
TG: you were someone that i felt okay with mildly hurting in order to achieve my goals  
TG: key word is were  
TG: i wouldnt even think about it  
TG: not only are you far smarter than me  
TG: you are a fantastic strategist and fighter  
TG: holy fuck  
TG: im a little jealous  
TG: haha  
TG: um  
TG: yeah  
TG: i think thats everything  
GG: wow  
TG: are you mad?  
GG: of course not  
GG: im worried about you  
GG: you didnt want to talk about your brother  
GG: i think you should  
TG: yikes  
TG: okay  
TG: youre probably right  
TG: that fucking puppet took its toll on him  
TG: shaped him into this sociopath  
TG: i had to learn the function of basic machines on my own  
TG: like a washing machine  
TG: and a fridge  
TG: if i wanted food i had to hoard it in my closet  
TG: i ended up stealing alot  
TG: just basic things i needed  
TG: because i didnt have money, but he sure as hell wasnt going to get it  
TG: and then there were the fights  
TG: i think he was trying to make me strong  
TG: and it kind of worked  
TG: cause im skinny and weigh like 140 pounds  
TG: but im like 90% muscle  
TG: but as for emotionally  
TG: everything about my childhood is traumatic  
TG: well everything but you guys  
TG: im sorry im spamming  
GG: no its okay  
GG: im glad you talked about it  
TG: so are you gonna like  
TG: dance around me now?  
GG: should i?  
TG: fuck no  
TG: i need normalcy right now  
TG: fuck what even is normalcy  
GG: none of us know anymore  
GG: you should know  
GG: all of us are really messed up after the game  
GG: so youre not alone dave  
TG: i know  
TG: i tried to keep that from happening to you  
GG: what do you mean?  
TG: i made sure to clean up any dead daves pretty quick to keep from upsetting you  
GG: you did?  
TG: yeah.  
TG: it helped that the entire fucking planet was covered in lava  
GG: so you would throw your dead body into the lava so i wouldnt see it?  
TG: yeah  
TG: alot  
TG: after it stopped hurting  
GG: hurting?  
TG: yeah  
TG: because i was so connected to them,  
TG: i felt everything  
TG: had their memories  
TG: which i had such a comprehensive view of how to make sure the timeline was okay  
TG: and make it happen.  
TG: once one of us decided that something needed to be done, all of us knew it.  
TG: the most expendable dave would usually go  
TG: because it would usually mean death for that dave  
TG: as alpha dave, i would kind of manage all other daves  
GG: that sounds  
GG: horrible  
GG: i cant imagine doing that  
GG: and i cant believe you would go through that for us.  
TG: of course i would  
TG: you guys are my best friends  
TG: id even say that youre my family  
GG: dave  
GG: i didnt realize just how much you did for us  
GG: youre truly an amazing man  
GG: and im so happy i met you  
TG: jade calm down  
TG: its not that big of a deal  
GG: its your turn to shut up and listen okay?  
TG: wow okay  
GG: dave  
GG: youre far too modest  
GG: if youre okay with it  
GG: id like to screenshot this and send it to john and rose  
TG: not all of it  
GG: no of course not.  
GG: just the part about the daves  
GG: the other stuff is between us  
TG: thank you  
GG: but you should have told us about all that  
GG: its important  
GG: because i know that talking about feelings is hard  
GG: but that is proof that you love us  
GG: and just knowing that makes me happy  
GG: and john and rose should know what you did for them too.  
TG: i guess youre right  
TG: thank you for understanding  
TG: and i already told john about me being gay  
TG: but  
TG: dont send them to rose yet.  
TG: shes really busy right now  
TG: and at least some version of her knows that im gay  
TG: and im pretty sure that she knows  
TG: so im not really worried about it either  
TG: but yeah  
GG: okay  
GG: are you okay?  
TG: no  
TG: but ill make it.  
TG: karkat is out getting us food right now, so that will help  
GG: good!  
GG: are you guys together?  
TG: no not yet  
GG: alright. does he know?  
TG: yeah  
GG: okay.  
GG: hes into you?  
TG: yeah  
GG: awesome.  
GG: im totally gonna tease him about that.  
TG: haha jade i missed you  
GG: i missed you too  
TG: i love you  
GG: i love you too dave  
TG: in a sibling way  
GG: i know. Me too.  
TG: good  
GG: ill let you go  
TG: alright.  
TG: talk to you soon  
GG: absolutely  
TG: bye jade  
GG: bye  
\--turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 15:12--


	6. [i] Coming out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> GG: :)  
> EB: :)

\--gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologost [EB] at 15:13--  
GG: john!  
EB: what?!  
EB: is everything okay?  
GG: no its not!  
EB: okay whats wrong  
EB: and what can i do?  
GG: dave! thats whats wrong!  
EB: jade  
EB: explain  
GG: he just talked to me and explained a bunch of stuff  
EB: about him and…  
GG: karkat?  
EB: yeah  
GG: he did  
EB: jade i expected you to be a little upset  
EB: but not like this  
GG: no im not upset about that  
GG: im upset that he had the worst life out of all of us!  
GG: and the game somehow made it worse!  
EB: yeah i know  
GG: you know?  
EB: well okay maybe i dont know for sure  
EB: but from what i do know  
EB: his brother sounded really shitty.  
GG: how did you know?  
EB: dirk let some information slip  
EB: so did karkat  
EB: they are just both so worried about him  
EB: and since i am too i guess they came to me  
GG: so, you know about all of the stuff he did for us too?  
EB: no i dont  
EB: what do you mean?  
GG: https://tinyurl.com/y94qlxen  
EB: whats this?  
GG: just open it  
EB: oh  
EB: i really didnt know that  
EB: does rose know?  
GG: she probably knows alot of things we dont  
GG: being on the meteor with him probably contributed  
GG: but mainly because shes a seer  
EB: i dont know if id agree about the meteor  
GG: what do you mean?  
EB: well, karkat said that dave and rose didnt talk much on the meteor.  
EB: and when they did he said it was distant  
EB: mutually so, but distant  
GG: oh  
EB: i guess if they were in the same room and karkat and dave were being somewhat affectionate, she might have picked that up  
EB: but i dont know.   
EB: dave isnt really the affectionate kind of person  
EB: i mean, he very well might be  
EB: but at least not in public.  
GG: yeah i guess youre right  
EB: did you send that to rose too?  
GG: no  
GG: dave asked me not to  
GG: he said that shes too busy and probably already knows  
GG: i think this conversation is making me more worried about him.  
EB: i understand that  
EB: but why this specifically  
GG: well, you and i werent there  
GG: and if he and rose werent close  
GG: then who did he talk to?  
EB: karkat  
EB: thats probably why he fell for him  
GG: youre right  
EB: i know i am  
EB: because he fell for me before the game  
GG: oh  
GG: how does that make you feel?  
EB: wow pulling the therapist tone on me huh?  
GG: haha sorry  
GG: but answer the question  
EB: i dont exactly know.  
EB: cause i dont really know if im straight anymore  
EB: i mean,  
EB: i used to be really sure of it  
EB: and thats part of the reason that karkat didnt pursue a relationship with me  
EB: which is good because he wanted a black relationship and i dont think im capable of that  
EB: but still  
GG: well, the only thing you can do is give yourself time  
GG: dont force yourself to make a decision  
GG: because then youre taking the easiest route  
GG: but the most unsuccessful one  
GG: if you force it, how are you to know that thats actually who you are  
EB: thanks jade.  
GG: youre welcome  
EB: so, we should do something to show that we value dave  
GG: because we do  
EB: yes we do  
GG: :)  
EB: :)  
GG: what should we do?  
EB: hang on. This could be a disaster, but im going to open a memo, and block dave.  
GG: yikes  
GG: okay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaah okay so first thing this is short because ive been hella busy
> 
> also, im not showing the memo, not out of laziness, but as a tactical omission. otherwise the surprise would be spoiled! ;)


	7. [i] Coming out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TG: you know how when someone says that they love you, and to avoid awkwardness you say it back even though you dont feel it?  
> TG: i said it first.  
> CG: JESUS FUCK, OKAY YES DAVE, YOURE AN IDIOT.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dave is an angsty boy but its okay cause karkat loves him
> 
> also, i know theres more intermission for this part and im sorry, but this shit needs to happen. i promise i do have a plan for this story

\--turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 11:49--  
TG: i need to be honest  
CG: THAT IS INCREDIBLY CRYPTIC DAVE. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO TELL ME?  
TG: everything  
CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN EVERYTHING?  
TG: everything  
TG: just  
TG: everything  
CG: ?  
TG: fuck  
TG: i thought i could do this but im not sure now.  
CG: TAKE YOUR TIME DAVE. NOTHING GOOD CAN COME OUT OF PUSHING  
TG: no i have to push myself  
TG: otherwise you and i wouldnt even be friends  
TG: so  
TG: here i go, i guess.  
TG: i dont know if youll want me.  
CG: DAVE OF COURSE I WANT YOU  
TG: shut up for a second okay?  
TG: i know that saying something like that without explanation is a big dick move,  
TG: but its the only way that i can think of to start this.  
CG: OKAY BUT JUST KEEP THAT IN MIND. I DO WANT YOU.  
TG: stop it okay?!  
CG: WHY SHOULD I? WHAT WOULD MAKE ME NOT WANT YOU?  
TG: im a fucking idiot karkat!  
TG: im an idiot because i let people treat me like shit!  
TG: i let myself treat me like shit  
TG: i justify both by saying its normal and that im fine!  
TG: but its not!  
TG: and im not!  
CG: DAVE, DO YOU WANT ME TO COME OVER?  
TG: no!  
TG: just listen!  
CG: OKAY  
TG: i know that trolls had naturally shitty relationships with their guardians  
TG: but humans dont function like that  
TG: we need nurturing relationships starting at an early age, otherwise we end up fucked up  
TG: thats why im fucked up.  
CG: DAVE, IF YOURE SAYING YOURE BROKEN, I DONT THINK YOU ARE.  
TG: im not broken  
TG: not yet  
TG: im that first pot you make on a pottery wheel, thats a little lopsided and a little too thin  
TG: its not broken but its only a matter of time  
CG: WELL I DONT INTEND ON LETTING YOU BREAK. IL WWRAP YOU IN FUCKING SILK AND BUBBLE WRAP.  
TG: thanks karkat  
TG: but  
TG: i think its a little late for that  
TG: spending so much time with you was really good for me  
TG: but i think it will ultimately hurt me  
TG: because of you  
TG: i know what being loved feels like  
TG: and it made me realize how absolutely fucked up and shitty the first 13 years of my life were  
TG: and now,  
TG: since my bro is dead  
TG: i’ve got  
TG: nothing  
TG: no way of getting closure  
TG: no way of moving on without forcing myself to get over it  
TG: nothing to do about it  
TG: i would kill to just  
TG: punch him  
TG: right in the jaw  
TG: but  
TG: i think that if i saw him  
TG: i would just let him do it again  
TG: because he conditioned me to take his shit  
GC: DAVE, I WOULDN’T LET HIM. NONE OF US WOULD.  
TG: i don’t think you get it  
TG: i don’t know who i am other than his bitch  
TG: this thing that he tried to shape into something worthwhile through ruthless tactics  
TG: that ended up weak and cowardly  
TG: cause he tried to make me strong  
TG: and ready for a fight no matter what  
TG: but i hate fighting  
TG: i always will  
TG: he made me want to hide  
TG: and what’s even more fucked up  
TG: is that i hate the sound of metal against metal  
TG: and on lohac  
TG: that’s all you can fucking hear  
TG: lohac was supposed to be my home  
TG: and now that i think about it?  
TG: it fits  
TG: cause i hate it just as much as i hate that stupid fucking apartment  
CG: DAVE, YOU MAY NOT KNOW WHO YOU ARE, BUT I DO. I KNOW YOU, AND I LOVE YOU. SO YOU COME WITH A LITTLE MORE BAGGAGE THAN I ORIGINALLY THOUGHT, SO WHAT? ITS NOT GOING TO DRIVE ME AWAY.  
CG: I LOVE YOUR LAUGH, AND YOUR STUPID SMIRK, AND YOUR GENUINE SMILE, AND YOUR HIPS THAT YOUR SO SELF CONSCIOUS ABOUT. BUT MORE THAN THAT, I LOVE THE WAY YOU HOLD ME AFTER I HAVE NIGHTMARES. I LOVE THE WAY YOU HOLD YOUR HEAD HIGH NO MATTER WHAT. I LOVE HOW YOU WOULD SO CLEARLY DO ANYTHING FOR ANY OF US, AND THE SHEER AMOUNT OF TIME YOU SPENT MAKING SURE EVERYTHING WOULD GO PERFECTLY SO WE COULD ALL GET OUT OF THAT HELL.  
CG: AND YES, YOURE GOING THROUGH SOME SHIT, BUT THAT DOESNT MEAN THAT NOBODY WANTS YOU BECAUSE OF IT. I PERSONALLY KNOW THAT YOUR FRIENDS LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU KNOW. HELL, IM NOT SUPPOSED TO TELL YOU, BUT THEYRE PLANNING SOMETHING TO SHOW YOU RIGHT NOW.   
CG: SO DONT YOU EVER BELIEVE THAT YOURE NOT LOVABLE BECAUSE OF THIS. I KNOW ITS HARD TO SEE SHIT FROM TWO ANGLES BUT TRY, OKAY? BECAUSE EVERYONE LOVES YOU DAVE.  
TG: they do?  
CG: YES THEY DO. YOU MUST NOT BE DOING WELL AT ALL RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I KNOW JADE TOLD YOU JUST YESTERDAY THAT SHE LOVED YOU. WHATS YOUR REASONING BEHIND NOT BELIEVING HER?  
TG: you know how when someone says that they love you, and to avoid awkwardness you say it back even though you dont feel it?  
TG: i said it first.  
CG: JESUS FUCK, OKAY YES DAVE, YOURE AN IDIOT. BUT NOT BECAUSE YOU DIDNT REALIZE THAT YOUR BROTHER WAS AS SHITTY AS HE WAS, BUT BECAUSE YOU DONT BELIEVE PEOPLE WHEN THEY TELL YOU THAT THEY LOVE YOU, OR THAT THEY CARE ABOUT YOU.  
CG: OR MAYBE THATS YOUR LACK OF SELF WORTH TAKING OVER YOUR THOUGHTS, BUT EITHER WAY, YOURE SO WRONG. I MEAN IT DAVE. YOU. ARE. LOVED. YOU HAVE A BIG FUCKING FAMILY THAT LOVES YOU, AND YOU HAVE A BOY WHO ADORES YOU TO REMIND YOU OF THAT.  
CG: IM THE BOY BY THE WAY. I ADORE YOU.  
TG: …  
CG: ARE YOU ALRIGHT DAVE?  
TG: im better.  
CG: WHAT ELSE CAN I DO?  
TG: please dont move on  
CG: MOVE ON?  
TG: please dont fall for someone else.  
TG: please wait for me.  
TG: it might take a while, but please dont stop loving me.  
CG: I WOULDNT DREAM OF IT DAVE.

CG: ARE YOU OKAY? ITS BEEN A WHILE SINCE YOU SAID ANYTHING.  
TG: yeah im okay  
TG: im just crying  
CG: OH MY GOD IM COMING OVER  
TG: no no karkat!  
TG: good crying.  
CG: OKAY GOOD  
CG: CAN I ASK WHAT TRIGGERED THIS?  
TG: i talked to jade.  
CG: I KNOW. SHE TEASED ME ABOUT BEING INTO YOU.  
CG: HOWD IT GO WITH ROSE?  
TG: it didnt  
CG: DID SHE NOT ANSWER?  
TG: i mean,  
TG: she did  
TG: but she was really busy with wedding planning so i didnt tell her.  
TG: she probably already knows anyways.   
CG: IM SORRY. HOPEFULLY YOU CAN TELL HER SOON.  
TG: yeah  
TG: i also ran by johns, and roxy and jane were there  
TG: apparently they bake together now.  
TG: anyways, i told them  
TG: they were cool about it, considering roxy is openly dating calliope and jane is her best friend  
TG: yeah.  
TG: i tried to talk to rose again today, but i didnt get a response.  
TG: maybe thats what triggered all this actually  
TG: that makes me feel shitty.  
CG: DAVE, DONT BLAME YOURSELF FOR THE NEGATIVE FEELINGS YOU HAVE. THEY WILL BE THERE. JUST TRY TO TALK ABOUT THEM TO SOMEONE. IT DOESNT HAVE TO BE ME JUST BECAUSE WERE MOIRAILS. IT CAN BE ANYONE, BUT I AM ALWAYS HERE AND WILL DROP ANYTHING TO HELP YOU, AND I KNOW YOUD DO THE SAME FOR ME.  
TG: i would.  
TG: im going to go take a depression nap.  
TG: hopefully ill feel better afterwards.  
TG: also, you left your sweater here, but you have my time hoodie, so, fair trade?  
CG: FAIR TRADE. SLEEP WELL DAVE.  
TG: i will  
TG: hopefully  
TG: thanks.  
\--turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 12:31--


	8. Coming Out- Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Im ready.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> consistent updating schedule??? who's she???

\--tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 1:38--  
TT: dave, im so sorry. i know its late but i also know that you barely sleep and stay up late. are you free to talk now?  
TG: yeah im awake  
TG: how is wedding planning going?  
TT: it is going well.  
TT: i believe you had something important to tell me?  
TG: kinda  
TG: yeah  
TT: im listening now  
TG: you probably already know  
TG: but to avoid any awkward conversations,  
TG: i should tell you  
TG: im gay  
TT: i figured, but i didnt realize this is what you were trying to talk to me about. this is important to you, yes?  
TG: i guess  
TG: its just kind of  
TG: there though  
TG: like,  
TG: a lot of people struggle with whether or not theyre gay  
TG: but as soon as i was like ‘i wanna kiss karkat’, that was that  
TG: thats it.  
TG: i mean, you know as well as i do  
TG: i had a fixation on john that went beyond friendship  
TT: yes i knew you were probably gay when i first heard some of things you used to say to him  
TT: and i knew you were falling for karkat. it really wasnt hard to tell, especially for me  
TG: great  
TT: dave, just so i dont out you by accident, who knows?  
TG: like  
TG: everyone  
TG: but i havent told jake  
TG: i dont really know hm really well,  
TG: but i should change that  
TG: since its likely that he and dirk will get back together.  
TT: so, im the last person you told?  
TG: basically, yeah  
TT: do you not trust me?  
TG: look, its not that i dont trust you  
TG: i just wasnt worried about it because obviously youre gay, and you probably already knew  
TT: when you first messaged me, who had you told?  
TG: karkat and john, and dirk knew because i asked him for advice.  
TG: then 3 days passed, and i told jade, and jane, and roxy, and calliope heard apparently  
TG: and here we are.  
TT: oh dear, has it been three days?  
TG: yeah.  
TT: god im sorry  
TG: its alright  
TT: i know youre lying. i really upset you, didnt i?  
TG: …  
TT: i thought so  
TT: ill make it up to you somehow, i promise  
TG: dont worry about it rose  
TG: its fine  
TT: its really not. you and i both know it, we arent close anymore, and that sucks  
TG: yeah  
TG: i know  
TT: so, we should fix that.  
TG: rose, what can we do?  
TT: i dont know  
TG: exactly  
TG: people grow apart  
TG: and that will only get worse after you get married, not because you dont care, but because being married changes people.   
TG: they make new friends, as a couple, and the old ones fade away.  
TG: only the ones that matter stay  
TT: you dont think you matter?  
TG: no  
TG: the only use for my life was the game  
TG: now that thats over, theres nothing left  
TG: daves are meant to complete their purpose and die.  
TT: dave! Dont kill yourself!  
TG: jesus im not going to!  
TG: im not sure it would work anyways.  
TG: suicide isnt heroic, and im not exactly sure where i stand, just-wise.  
TT: what do you mean?  
TG: well, in the final battle, i had to kill dirk.  
TG: i dont know if that counts as a death, because it was heroic, but jane healed him, so i dont know if that would be reason for me to have a just death.  
TT: i dont think it would be just, because hes alive, and okay  
TG: i guess  
TG: but that still haunts me.  
TT: i can imagine. but maybe it can help you.  
TG: how?  
TT: well, you obviously have some unresolved feelings about your brother, and dirk looks just like it. While it may not have been something you wanted to do, killing him was necessary for the mission, right?  
TG: yeah it was  
TT: well, what if you thought about that action as something necessary for your self journey. the way i understand it, he does not resent you for killing him. since he doesnt, there is no reason for being angry at yourself. instead of beating yourself up, you could treat that as you cutting the head off your abuser, via Dirk, who looks like him.  
TG: i  
TG: i dont know if i can forgive myself for treating him as if he did all of that to me  
TG: because he didnt  
TG: its not fair or right of me  
TT: it will take time, dave, buti think it will help, and i know that avoiding him will not help  
TT: talk to him about this  
TT: i know that striders dont really talk about anything thats not physical, and definitely not with each other, but i think it will really help you, and help you associate better things with him and his face and appearance.  
TG: coming back into the relationship with paragraphs of advice huh?  
TT: does that bother you?  
TG: no  
TG: not at all  
TG: just like old times  
TT: indeed  
TG: well, i worried the shit out of karkat earlier, so he came over, and i think the light from my phone is waking him up.  
TT: try to get some sleep dave.  
TG: thanks rose.  
TG: you too.  
\--turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 2:03--

 

Dave turned off his phone and looked down at karkat, who was indeed awake at this point. Dave was leaning against his pillow against the wall, and Karkat had his arms around Dave’s waist, with his head on Dave’s side. His cheek was squished against Dave’s hip, making his cheeks look bigger. He opens his eyes and looks up at Dave. 

“Hey, you should sleep. You’ve been in the same position since I got in bed around 10.” karkat says. Dave smiles slightly and scoots down so he can lay next to karkat. Karkat immediately adjusted his position to have his head on daves upper chest, closer to his shoulder, his hand gripping dave’s shirt. He surrounds himself in Dave’s scent, just because he can.

Dave shifts his arm and rests his hand on Karkat’s shoulder, holding him closer. He feels happier like this than he has been in months. He can do this. He wants karkat. “Hey Karkat?” 

Karkat growls slightly, just wanting to sleep. “Yes?”

“Im ready.”

“Ready for what?”

“Us.”


	9. [i] Coming out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I mean that I'm ready for us to be together. As a couple.”

Karkat sits up and looks at Dave. “What do you mean, us?”

Dave gently reaches up to cup Karkat’s cheek. “I mean that I'm ready for us to be together. As a couple.”

Karkat sits up fully, wide awake now. He thinks for a moment. Just earlier today, Dave was in a terrible place, and definitely not ready for a relationship with anyone, especially not with his best friend, that could potentially end their friendship.

But now, Dave looked certain, and confident. It’s a look that he hasn’t worn in years. His eyes held a fire that Karkat had never seen, which can only be described as love, and passion. He wore that stupid fucking half smile half smirk that Karkat had grown to love.

Dave sits up and takes Karkat’s hands, and Karkat feels his face heat up. This is a side of Strider that he had seen before, but had never experienced first hand. This was a more flirtatious and confident Dave, a stark contrast to the kind of dorky and self critical Dave that he had fallen for. This is the Dave that he used to have strong black feelings for, and still does slightly. This is the Dave he craves.

Dave leans closer, so their faces are almost touching. Karkat can see his eyes in great detail, despite the darkness of the room, and god damn they are amazing. They are darker around the edges, and they have what looks like bright red strings, connecting his outer iris to his pupil, which gives the darker parts of his irises the illusion of crevices and caves that Karkat finds himself lost in. 

“W-we should probably figure out what quadrant we fit into.” Karkat stutters out. Dave groans. Quadrant talk is definitely going to ruin the mood. Can’t they just let their relationship develop organically before putting a label on it?

“Later. I just want to kiss you right now.” Dave says and puts his arms around Karkat's waist, waiting for the slightest signal that his wish is something that Karkat is comfortable with.

Karkat nods at Dave slightly. “Okay.” he says breathily.

And with that, they crash into each other with the force of months of longing, a crescendo of love and lust. Karkats hands are quickly in Dave’s hair, completely wrecking the style that the blonde spends so much time completing every morning, but Dave doesn’t care. He wants Karkat to be as close as possible. He pulls Karkat into his lap, earning a small squeak from him. Dave lets his fingers wander up the back of Karkat’s sweater. Karkat quickly pulls away and moves Dave’s hands. “Holy fucking shit Strider that’s cold!” 

Dave chuckles and purposefully puts his cold fingers against Karkat’s warm skin. Karkat growls at him and pushes him back on the bed. Dave is surprised by this and looks up at Karkat. “Hang on dude, there is no way you’re topping me this early in the relationship.”

Karkat rolls his eyes and gets off Dave. “Neither of us are topping this early in the relationship.” he says.

Dave sits up to look at Karkat. “Is everything okay?”

Karkat nods. “Yeah everything is fine, I just don't want to do that yet.”

Dave puts his arms around Karkat’s waist and rests his chin on Karkat’s shoulder. “By ‘that’ you mean sex, right?”

Karkat nods. “Yeah. I just think that that's something that's very important to a relationship, and i want my first time to be special and romantic, not just the result of a few moments of hushed dialogue and rough kissing. And I want that for you too.” 

“Alright.” Dave gently kisses Karkat’s jaw. “Take your time sweetheart.”

Karkat chuckles. “Right in with the pet names huh?”

Dave smiles. “Come on man I have so many pet names for you. Karks, Karkles, Kitkat, it’s just so easy to make them.”

“Come on you're not going to still call me those are you?” Karkat asks.

“Yup, I am. Cause you don't like them, and you pout. And you’re adorable when you pout.” Dave says.

Karkat growls. “I am not.” he says and pouts slightly.

Dave chuckles and kisses his cheek. “Yes you are kitten.”

Karkat goes wide eyed. “No no no that is not becoming another pet name! I am not a kitten i am an angry crab man!”

Dave laughs. “Yeah okay you are an angry crab man, but you’re still my kitten.”

Karkat growls louder. “I am not! I'm not your-”

Dave cuts Karkat off by scratching his back, right above his spine, just between his shoulders. Karkat begins to purr softly and leans into the touch. “You sly fucker.”

“You love me.” Dave says in Karkat's ear.

“I do.” Karkat ways fondly.

They stay like that for a few minutes, just enjoying being close to each other. But all good things must come to an end, and eventually, Karkat pulls away and looks at Dave. “Okay, we need to talk.”

Those words never end well. Dave takes a deep breath, and holds it in for a second. He exhales and nods. “Yeah I guess we do.”

“So, first of all, you had a complete turn around today. Whats going on there?” Karkat asks

“What do you mean?” Dave asks

“Well, earlier today you said that being ready for us to have a relationship might take time, and like 14 hours later you decide that you’re ready for us?” Karkat asks Dave.

“Can we talk about this in the morning?” Dave asks. 

Karkat frowns. He knows what that means. “No. We’re talking about this now.”

Dave sighs. “Well, what you said helped me, and then Rose helped me look at a thing I did differently, and I guess that was a lot of what was bothering me. I’m still not really okay with it, but i can at least acknowledge that it was necessary.”

“Was the thing what you did to Dirk?”

“Yeah. I've been really hard on myself about it. About all of it. I just felt so bad that I used him as a stand in. But rose told me to look at it differently. He was happy to let me do that, and he did sort of give me permission to behead him. So, while I'm not okay with the fact that i killed him, he’s alive, and talking about all of that helped me, so, I guess there’s nothing to be overly upset about.” Dave says.

“Huh. So that’s it?” Karkat asks. “You’re not just pushing yourself to be ready for me out of guilt?”

Dave shakes his head quickly and takes Karkat’s head. “No! Not at all. I love you Karkat, and I want to be with you.”

Karkat smiles. “I’m glad, but this conversation isn’t over yet. We still have to figure out what quadrant. By your actions, I would say red, but then what about our moirailegance? You and I both know that you need a moirail right now. And then theres black-”

“Karkat, just stop, okay? I don’t think we should put it in a quadrant. We couldn’t ever stick to pale, what makes you think that we can stick to red?”

“Well a strong matespriteship doesn’t fight and a strong moirailegance doesn’t vascilate. Do you think that means that we aren’t good together?”

Dave can’t help but chuckle. “Are you seriously asking me if were not good for each other? Karkat, you and i have the strongest relationship I’ve had in my entire life, and john and I are still great friends and didn’t talk for years. Karkat, just because it doesn’t fit doesn't mean its not good. So what if we don’t fit into a quadrant. Lets just be us and let it happen.”

“Dave I don’t think I can do that. I know you’re not good with troll romance but it’s important to me and it worries me that we don’t fit.” Karkat looks at Dave. 

“Are you saying that you don’t want to start this until it fits?” Dave asks, praying to every god he can think of that Karkat says he isn’t saying that.

Karkat looks at his hands. “I think I am. Or at least we should wait.”

Dave nods. “Okay.” It’s not.

“Are you okay Dave?” Karkat asks.

“Yeah.” Dave takes a deep breath. “Just, take your time Karkat.”

He lays back down, on his side, facing away from Karkat. He totally understands. A relationship that defies quadrants scares Karkat. He can live with that, because at least the problem isn’t within Dave.

And he’d wait an eternity for Karkat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i fooled you guys didnt i?


	10. Update- To be Deleted Upon Publication of Next Chapter

fuck okay so i know its been a long ass time and im really sorry. heres the deal, i have trouble writing jake, because i dont wat to press the fanon idea that hes a burden to the team (which ive found in people who dont like jakes character), but he is going to ask dave to do something for him, and not exactly give dave the time to space to come out, kind of like he did on janes birthday. 

on top of that, i started to write the chapter in a notebook that has some notes for a class in it, and i lent it to my boyfriend, forgetting that the writing was in there. 

i am posting a new story, an Ereri reincarnation au, based on a roleplay i have with @ratmicah. in it, eren writes a book about hie life before he was reincarnated. im posting the first part this week, and it will be very different from this story in style.


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